Happy Bleck Day

Now, let's be clear on something:

I've always disliked Valentine's Day. Always. I've always been against it, whether I'm in a relationship or not. So this bitterness is not due to my recent trauma.

But I hate today. It is crass, and commercial, and sets up all sorts of unrealistic expectations, not to mention it brings out the worst in people. I have seen people who break up with someone based solely on not making a big enough deal of this day. I have seen people treat their significant others like crap most of the rest of the year, and by throwing money at the stereotypical red roses, jewellery and chocolate, feel they get a free pass to do so because they've made up for it. It makes me ill.

Additionally, I hate the whole idea that all women want the same things, that I'd be placated and impressed if my man brought home the generic gift mentioned above. Actually, if he did that, I'd be a little unimpressed, thinking he didn't know me all that well.

So, here's a little primer for any potential future mates of mine when it comes to V-day:

I don't like diamonds.
I hate red roses.
I loathe all the cuddly-wuddly crap like bears, and hearts and the like.
I don’t relish the idea of making this one day into some huge relationship test.
And lastly? I'd be far more impressed if you came home on May 5th with a bottle of wine and some alstromeria.

Why am I up?

Okay, I'm torn here. On the one hand? Charity is good. On the other? Ewwwww.

http://www.thestar.com/Entertainment/article/555841

And then there were two

I have decided that the main purpose of Facebook is to allow all your exes to track you down again. Oh sure, there will be some contact from ex-classmates, and old friends, but mostly, I think it was created so exes can rekindle some sort of contact.

Of all my major relationships, there are only two exes who have not tracked me down to date. One of whom was fairly intense, and possessed stalker-like qualities, so I'm pretty surprised he hasn't found me. He must not be on Facebook, I guess. And the other? Is an immature jackass who dumped me via letter. He was so self involved that he probably doesn't even remember that we dated. Other than that, all my exes have tracked me down and want to chat. Why? I mean, I know my ex from the 7th grade who is married with three kids is genuinely interested in what I'm doing now, but why is the lazy, ex-bouncer of a local frat-style establishment interested in me? Urgh. The only upside to all this is that since most of them have already made contact, there shouldn't be any more surprises on that front.

But, I do think I'll have to post a new, hotter picture of myself. Yes, I am that shallow.

Someone up there hates me.

My birthday rolls around this week, and what movie is opening on the anniversary of my illustrious birth? Something with the gravitas of the soon to open Oscar contenders? Close.

The movie of which I speak? Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

Yeah, the one with the talking dogs. That's right, not just one, but a whole (pardon the pun) kennel of them.

I know, it is a perfect companion to me getting another year older. And it certainly does scream festive. A feel good family romp. I'm glad that instead of working on curing cancer, we've decided as a society instead to focus our energies on striving to make talking pooches look more realistic.

If my eyes rolled any harder as I type this, they'd fall out. The arts, I weep for you.

Now that's class

Heath Ledger died today. And in a solemn, tasteful manner truly befitting of death, especially of one so young, the Internet covered the event by posting photo tributes. Nice thought, Eonline, but did it really need to include a shot of his corpse being carried out in a body bag? Sometimes I hate people.

Shudder

I just saw a commercial for the movie Sidney White. And may I just say, Amanda Bynes, sunshine, you look like some sort of haggard, plastic, overly tanned version of a human being. You might want to do something about that. That vision of you will replace the whale in my dreams.

Remind me...

...cuz I keep forgetting: when wearing crocs, is it cooler to match them exactly to your shirt, or to go with a contrasting colour?


(trick question: It is never cool to wear crocs.)

Damn you Entertainment Tonight!

I just saw the new Telus commercial, and as soon as I heard the song, what instantly pops into my head? That it is from High School Musical. Which I have never seen. It is amazing how my brain sucks this crap in. How is there room for it all? I'm surprised I can still walk and talk at the same time.

Oh. My. God.

I just agreed with Dr. Phil.

My worldview has been torn assunder.

A great loss

I don't know if any of you are acting buffs, but I am, and when I read the paper this morning, it was like a punch to the gut. William Hutt, one of Canada's finest actors, died today.

His body of work is extensive, but my personal favourites are Long Day's Journey Into Night, and his turn in Slings and Arrows. Last year, when he performed his last role on the stage at Stratford, Prospero, in The Tempest, my mother and I got tickets, hoping to catch him one last time. When he had to pull out of the performance, I wanted to return my tickets. I'm not a huge fan of The Tempest (I'm more a Richard III kind of girl) and was only going to see his brilliance in person. We went, and his understudy was just as poor as I'd feared. Then again, who could match up to William Hutt? No one. The acting world, and all those who enjoy it, are poorer for his passing.

I'm in love!

His name is Splish Splash. He's a flavour of the month at Baskin Robbins, described as a "Blue Raspberry sherbet swirled with Blueberry ice" and he dances across my tongue. We were meant to be together forever.

She so litigious!

Wow.

Seriously, I don't know what else to say. I thought Rebecca Eckler couldn't go any lower. I was totally wrong. She is suing the makers of the movie Knocked Up (disclosure: I haven't seen it, and don't plan on it, just because I can't buy the premise that Kathrine Heigl hooks up with that total slob for a one night stand. No effing way.) So, while I loathe Eckler, I'm not crazy about the movie (Judd Apatow's previous work notwithstanding) and am not about to take the side of the movie developers just because.

But honestly? She's suing them because she feels they stole from her novel of the same name. Some of the reasons she lists, other than the title, are that in both her book and the movie, the woman who gets pregnant by accident feels out of place at a party with booze, that she seeks advice/support from a person close to her who has children, and that the fiance is Canadian and Jewish.

Well, not to trivialize Eckler's experience, but I'm gonna go out on a limb and state that pretty much every pregnant woman has gone to some sort of event and felt out of place because she couldn't drink like she could before. I think it is as much a part of pregnancy as morning sickness or back pain. And I know that if I was pregnant, especially if it wasn't planned,I wouldn't go to my childless friends for support and advice. Oh no, I'd be calling my friends with rugrats faster than you can say 'pre-natal classes'. So far, my theoretical pregnancy mirrors Eckler's too. Crap! I'd better duck in case of copyright infringement! As for the fiance being Canadian and Jewish (because that combination never occurs anywhere but in Eckler's book so it must be stolen from her) I can only say that Canada is kinda close to the US, and Apatow has worked with some lovely Canadians, so it is completely believable that he came up with this on his own.

There are other claims she makes, and while some I can't speak to, some just make me laugh. Like that the title is the same. Yes, because the slang 'knocked up' is never used to describe pregnancy in this day and age, especially when the pregnancy is from a one night stand. And while I don't have a degree in graphic art and design, I'm thinking that punching up the words by putting them in different colours is on page one of the design school handbook. The fact that a pacifier and a martini glass were used in both? Quick, think of two items that are each easily recognizable to everyone, no matter the language spoken, the age, or culture of the audience, as a signifier (yeah, I'm getting all semiotical on ya) for the different stages of life being represented in the work, one for pregnancy/having a baby, and the other for the free and easy single life. I'm guessing most of you came up with the pacifier for baby, and if you didn't come up with the martini glass, you picked something to symbolize booze. Coming up with those two ain't rocket surgery. Or uncommon.

Now I should note here that I'm not saying Eckler plagiarized them, or that she shouldn't be pissed. In fact, I can empathize with her. There is nothing fun about working your butt off on something, only to find out that someone else had the same idea and is getting more play. My fourth year project was a brilliant study of Canadian culture and the intrisic link to the donut shop. People thought we were crazy, and there hadn't been anything (that we could find) done on the subject before. But then, around the same time we were finishing up, some grad students did something so similar you'd almost swear they cribbed off of our research, and they got lots of press about it. I was annoyed, and hated explaining that 'no, we came up with the idea on our own and did the work ourselves and didn't copy them thanks very much' to everyone. But I never thought of suing. I just figured it was such a good idea that other people had it too. It sucks, but you move on.

Besides, I think that creative works are all plagiarized in one way or another. Are there really any new stories to tell? Probably not. Most stories have been told, one way or another. So when you tell yours, it isn't so much about the newness of the tale, but about the execution. Make yours interesting and well told, and you've done wonderfully and people will love it, no matter how many times they've heard the "kid from the wrong side of the tracks makes good and wins the girl" narrative. Make it trite and so transparent that one only has to read the first page to know exactly what will happen, pretty much page by page, and you've done terribly and will make people throw your book across the room in frustration. Emily Giffin, I'm looking in your direction here.

Oh, and finally, if two people can independently invent the telephone, why is it so hard to believe that two people could almost simultaneously develop a humourous look at being pregnant?

Just chill, Rebecca.

Question:

Am I a bad person because I want to bundle Rebecca Eckler up and ship her to Antarctica so that I never have to hear her insipid comments again?

And here's a followup: When the hell did Rebecca Eckler become "one of Canada's most popular journalists and writers"?

Minty AND chewable?

Man, it is so great that science has found cures for all disease and solved all our major problems, cuz I've had to put up with a birth control pill I have to take with a glass of water for far too damn long. If I want to be sexually active and not pregnant, I have to be responsible enough to take a pill every day, and I need to drink water with it to wash it down. What is up with that? Did we lose a war here? I can't believe we call this a free country, with that sort of crap.

But now science has fixed this important issue and come up with a birth control pill I can "take wherever", according to the advertising.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16098766/

See? That's what I'm talking about. A chewable birth control pill that tastes minty. Finally. Now we can call ourselves civilized.

In case you couldn't tell, I was being sarcastic.

Chewable birth control pills? Really? And pardon my Latvian, but why? Are there really lots of women walking around complaining about not getting to use their teeth enough while taking the pill? Did someone think that chewing gum was fun, but you have to throw it out eventually, so what would be awesome is something to chew that disolves instead? Do lots of people love the taste of spearmint but hate gum, and need to get their fix somehow? Is taking a pill currently so difficult that you can only do it in the comfort of your own home?

Oh, and while we're on the topic of the "portability" factor, I read some of the directions, and you have to drink an 8oz glass of water with this chewable pill anyhow, so wouldn't it be easier to just toss one down the hatch with the water instead of chewing followed by a water chaser?

On top of the fact that this sounds like a marketing brainstorm idea gone really wrong, I just can't believe that good money and energy were spent to get it developed. I'm all for science, (ask anyone, I'm always experimenting. Suzuki, I'm gunning for you!) but couldn't we be doing something more, um, productive than developing birth control pills that we can chew and taste of spearmint? Like develop a giant tomato that could end world hunger? Just asking.

Finally!

For ages, I've been walking around, telling everyone and anyone who will listen that what Gatorade should do is make Gatorade in a flavour I can handle in the morning, because the regular stuff just doesn't work for me in the morning. And now, wonder of wonders, I see they've finally done it. I just saw a commercial announcing that Gatorade now has Gatorade AM, which comes in "flavors developed to appeal to you in the morning".

Pardon my Latvian, but what the hell are flavours that appeal to me in the morning? And how are they different from flavours that appeal to me at midday or in the evening, or even in the middle of the night? The commercial wasn't forthcoming with the details, so I'm going to assume that AM flavour is extra strong coffee that can peel paint off the walls. Either that, or toothpaste.

Best. Headline. Ever.

From the Toronto Star today:

"Wonder twin powers activate Canucks in OT"

Was it in the form of steam? The article doesn't say.

Robert Smith, have you lost your mind?

Please, oh please tell me that this is a belated April Fools joke:

http://www.nme.com/news/the-cure/27471

If it isn't, you will find me sitting in my bathtub, bashing my head repeatedly into the wall, downing copious amounts of booze in the hopes of obliterating this knowledge from brain by way of killing the brain cells that contain this horrible data.

Erratum

I would like to correct the following error:

Facebook, contrary to what I've said in the past, you aren't the tool of the devil. You aren't just a stupid waste of time. I reluctantly signed up for you, due to peer pressure (which is totally great! You should do anything your friends want you to), and expected to loathe you, much like I do other sites. But I was wrong. You've allowed me to get back in touch with people from my past. Going down memory lane is great fun, and that alone might be worth it.

But more importantly, you've allowed me to breach old rifts, allowed me to reach across the years and the hurt and the misunderstandings, and bring old and dear friends back into my life.

And for that, I thank you. You have my undying gratitude.

What's currently chaffing my ass?

I try to ignore advertising, in all its forms. I hit the mute button, I fastforward (yes kids, there used to be this thing called a VCR, and you could record stuff off tv onto 'tapes' and watch it later. I still use one) or I change the channel.

But despite all my best efforts, I have managed to watch/listen to some ads recently. Strangely enough, mostly it has been the same two ads. And I want all trace of them wiped off the face of the earth.

Have you seen these new Ontario ads? Holy freaking mother of god, those are irritating. They are far too damn long, and the music is vomit-inducing music. Let's not even get into what pathetic Sens fan made this commercial. I mean come on, nobody, and I mean nobody, is coming to Ontario so they can be a Sens fan. And could you find a way to play them more often? Because I found watching TV last night that I almost saw a couple of other commercials during the commercial breaks. Sigh.

The other one that is driving me bazoo is the radio ad for the the new chocolate muffins, cookies, etc from Tim Hortons. 30 seconds of two annoying people coming up with stupid words to describe how wonderful the new stuff is. Here's a tip: when your ad is 80% incomprehensible rambling, it is going to make most people tune out, and make me swear to never try your product, despite my long love affair with anything chocolate. And again, try airing it a little less frequently. Even if it was cute the first time (which it really wasn't - the made up words thing as advertising is so overplayed. See: some product I don't remember but uses the word 'crucheweesy') it wouldn't be by the 40th airing. Which is roughly 4 hours after the first. Urgh.

Both of these ads, which are interestingly enough for things I do like (Tim Hortons and Ontario are both highly recommended. If you haven't tried them, you really should!) have the same effect on me. And that effect is that when I catch them, I am overwhelmed by the desire to gouge out my eyes and rupture my ears with a sharp object. Now, I'm not an advertising exec, but I'm pretty sure that's not the reaction they are looking for.

1-800-MIX-A-LOT

Over the past week, I haven't been able to get Baby Got Back out of my head. And that hasn't been helped by the version done Gilbert and Sullivan style I found on the web. Hilarious. Go watch it:
http://www.mphtower.com/web/content/view/89/37/

"Little in the middle, but she got much back" Hee!