Sunday, February 8, 2009

Am I being a demanding bitch?

No really, I'm asking because I need to know.

So, the boy has all these demands on his time, especially when he is back home. And over the past month and a bit, I've been coming last. Like way last. Three of five scheduled meetings have been cancelled with no rescheduled time offered. I've always been understanding, and haven't made an issue of it, but it means that he is sad, and I'm sad, and it sucks, and makes our conversations (the main form of our relationship) kind of strained sometimes. But I think I'm getting to the end of my rope. This weekend, we were supposed to get together, but due to circumstances beyond control, we couldn't. I knew he was doing the right thing, but was still sad. To combat my sadness, I suggested that he try to find a way to get together later on the weekend. And he thought he had a couple of possibilities. Then, it looked like one was going to work, and we were both delighted. We had a nice conversation, actually able to enjoy talking to each other, as opposed to the earlier conversation where the cancellation happened. Today was supposed to be the day, but an hour or so before the meet, he had to cancel. With reason, but still. Again, sadness all around, particularly because meeting up tomorrow before he heads back to Hoboken wasn't an option. After a bit, I decided to change my plans for tomorrow so we could meet up.

And now I think that I need to talk to him about how I'm feeling, but am worried that I'm being a demanding bitch by doing this. I knew going in I wasn't number one or two on his priority list, and that I wouldn't get to see him tonnes. But, with him cancelling on me so frequently, I'm starting to feel like I'm not even third on the list. And maybe that's not fair, because I've only been cancelled on because of his top two priorities, but it is how I feel. And I think I need more. But if I ask for that, is that asking for too much? Is that going against what I agreed to going in? And is that going to cause us to break up? I don't know what I expect him to do about this, because when he's had to cancel, he's had no other option. And I don't want to be a stress in his life, but I'm getting resentful of making time for him and then getting cancelled on.

Should I bring this up? How do I make my point without being whiny? Is this me being one of those women I've always hated? Does he think I want to break up? What am I prepared to put up with, and what is my limit? Will I pull my heart off the table at some point? Gah. I'm nauseous just thinking about it. But I think I need to talk to him about it, because if this happens one more time (and it likely will, at some point, if not right away) and I haven't said anything, I don't see me handling it well. I don't even know if I want to talk to him tonight after visiting my parents (which again, will be a reverent joy) and pretend that everything is okay, seeing as I think tomorrow isn't going to be fun. I see him in about 28 hours. Maybe I should start drinking now?

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