Phonecall from Hoboken

It finally came this morning.

And it was odd. And wonderful. And made me feel much better. And made me miss him.

I'm still not sure what will become of us, but I'm glad that I don't have to hate him.

I get it

I mean, I figured it out.

This may surprise you, but I've done a lot of thinking about this since Monday. He didn't phrase it well, but after going over our conversations again and again, I figured out what he was trying to say. I realized that the Tulsa gig means that on top of giving up weekends back here without his kid, he also has to shorten the weekends he has with his kid, and that's why he said he didn't want to have to choose between us. Which makes perfect sense. I wouldn't want him to see me instead of his kid, especially given their short time together, and I wouldn't want him if he could choose me instead of her. So, essentially, this would mean that for the duration of the Tulsa gig, we wouldn't see each other, and seeing as it is open-ended (they proposed a three month trial, and then a negotiation for more time if required) and he wouldn’t be able to walk away until the work is complete, it could be 6 months in between us seeing each other. Add that to the fact that he’s already drowning in work from Hoboken, and that Tulsa would only add to his stress, and chances are we’d end up talking less than we had been, and that wouldn’t be good for either of us.

I think the goal of Monday was to break us up now, so he could do the Tulsa gig without as much guilt, he could let me move on with my life and so we both wouldn’t get as hurt. The problem with that? We’re already totally head over heels for each other, and it is going to hurt like hell no matter what. Plus? I don’t want anyone else, and I don't think he does either. I understand what he was doing now, and I get why he was so upset, and kept talking to me and held me. I don’t like it, but I get it. All that I can do now is talk to him next week and keep him in my life as much as I can, hope that Tulsa finishes up quickly, and that he comes back and we can pick up where we left off. And I actually have faith that this is what will happen.

Happy Bleck Day

Now, let's be clear on something:

I've always disliked Valentine's Day. Always. I've always been against it, whether I'm in a relationship or not. So this bitterness is not due to my recent trauma.

But I hate today. It is crass, and commercial, and sets up all sorts of unrealistic expectations, not to mention it brings out the worst in people. I have seen people who break up with someone based solely on not making a big enough deal of this day. I have seen people treat their significant others like crap most of the rest of the year, and by throwing money at the stereotypical red roses, jewellery and chocolate, feel they get a free pass to do so because they've made up for it. It makes me ill.

Additionally, I hate the whole idea that all women want the same things, that I'd be placated and impressed if my man brought home the generic gift mentioned above. Actually, if he did that, I'd be a little unimpressed, thinking he didn't know me all that well.

So, here's a little primer for any potential future mates of mine when it comes to V-day:

I don't like diamonds.
I hate red roses.
I loathe all the cuddly-wuddly crap like bears, and hearts and the like.
I don’t relish the idea of making this one day into some huge relationship test.
And lastly? I'd be far more impressed if you came home on May 5th with a bottle of wine and some alstromeria.

Feeling slightly more positive...right now

I usually have dinner with my mom on Wednesdays, but just felt I couldn't do it this week, after our ugly Sunday, and the trauma of the past couple of days. So, I called to let her know I wasn't going to come, and had to tell her. I wasn't looking forward to it, as she had pegged the boy as my future lifemate (just my impression from listening to her talk about us, not that she said it to me, that I implied it, or that she met him) and I foresaw this being another opportunity to blame me.

I was shocked when it didn't happen. And even more shocked when she made me feel better.

I gave her a glossed over version (he can't do a relationship with the job) and she was supportive. She asked if we were going to be friends, and said that you never know what will happen, and that things change, so not to let it break me. Then she said that I'd been very good for him, being there for support and fun, and maybe he'd miss that, and that he'd been good for me too, in that he helped me realize I have something to offer in the romantic relationship department. It all seemed so rational, and after getting really sad while talking to her, I'm feeling kinda better now. I am freaking awesome, and if he's not ready, well, then I'll just find someone who is. Or, we'll work it out at a later date (and she'd know about being dumped and after the situation changes, being asked for another chance and then ending up spending the rest of your lives together - my dad was a total jackass when they were dating. I'll tell you all about it sometime).

At the end of the conversation, after a lot of support and concern, she rounded back into form, and was concerned that I not fall apart like I usually do, and that I...wait for it...not eat junk. Thanks mom.

Am I being a demanding bitch?

No really, I'm asking because I need to know.

So, the boy has all these demands on his time, especially when he is back home. And over the past month and a bit, I've been coming last. Like way last. Three of five scheduled meetings have been cancelled with no rescheduled time offered. I've always been understanding, and haven't made an issue of it, but it means that he is sad, and I'm sad, and it sucks, and makes our conversations (the main form of our relationship) kind of strained sometimes. But I think I'm getting to the end of my rope. This weekend, we were supposed to get together, but due to circumstances beyond control, we couldn't. I knew he was doing the right thing, but was still sad. To combat my sadness, I suggested that he try to find a way to get together later on the weekend. And he thought he had a couple of possibilities. Then, it looked like one was going to work, and we were both delighted. We had a nice conversation, actually able to enjoy talking to each other, as opposed to the earlier conversation where the cancellation happened. Today was supposed to be the day, but an hour or so before the meet, he had to cancel. With reason, but still. Again, sadness all around, particularly because meeting up tomorrow before he heads back to Hoboken wasn't an option. After a bit, I decided to change my plans for tomorrow so we could meet up.

And now I think that I need to talk to him about how I'm feeling, but am worried that I'm being a demanding bitch by doing this. I knew going in I wasn't number one or two on his priority list, and that I wouldn't get to see him tonnes. But, with him cancelling on me so frequently, I'm starting to feel like I'm not even third on the list. And maybe that's not fair, because I've only been cancelled on because of his top two priorities, but it is how I feel. And I think I need more. But if I ask for that, is that asking for too much? Is that going against what I agreed to going in? And is that going to cause us to break up? I don't know what I expect him to do about this, because when he's had to cancel, he's had no other option. And I don't want to be a stress in his life, but I'm getting resentful of making time for him and then getting cancelled on.

Should I bring this up? How do I make my point without being whiny? Is this me being one of those women I've always hated? Does he think I want to break up? What am I prepared to put up with, and what is my limit? Will I pull my heart off the table at some point? Gah. I'm nauseous just thinking about it. But I think I need to talk to him about it, because if this happens one more time (and it likely will, at some point, if not right away) and I haven't said anything, I don't see me handling it well. I don't even know if I want to talk to him tonight after visiting my parents (which again, will be a reverent joy) and pretend that everything is okay, seeing as I think tomorrow isn't going to be fun. I see him in about 28 hours. Maybe I should start drinking now?

Sigh

So, I've been away for a while. Because I've been delightfully happy, so that's a good thing.

But.

Things have been going so well, but there's a little fly in the ointment. The boy's work in Hoboken is challenging. He is there most of the week, and they are running him ragged. He once called me right when he got home from work - at midnight. It is draining him, and makes me crazy because I think he needs more time to himself, and plus, I get him at the end of extremely long and tiring days. And then, there's the part where they could terminate his contract at any point, so he is still looking for options. One of which is a part-time (less than 1 day per week) gig in Tulsa. Earlier in the month, he had to go there for the weekend to prepare the proposal, and we were both upset at missing time together. Then, instead of hearing back from them one way or another this week, they threw a wrinkle into things by asking them to come back and present the proposal twice more, to different groups of higher ups each time. But, instead of scheduling the presentations for the same day, they managed to book one for Friday afternoon, and one for Monday morning. So, my boy gets to spend the weekend (on the dime of the company, of course) in Tulsa. Again, this made us both terribly upset. But as he said, maybe that's why they need him - spending all that money and wasting all that time isn't efficient in the least.

On the bright side? Things between us are still totally awesome. So, don't expect to hear from me too much.

I can't concentrate

On anything.

Seriously. I can't think about anything for more than a few minutes before my mind wanders to a certain person and when I'll next be able to spend time with him. I start cleaning the house, and soon I'm daydreaming about our next conversation. I try to read a book, and I'm suddenly overcome with images of his face. I write emails to friends, only to lapse into reviewing our last meeting. I shower, and well, you know....

This does not bode well for next semester, does it?

Busy, busy, busy

So much going on in Mabel's life right now.

There is baking to do, decorating to take place, family events to attend, frequent "Why you suck" meetings with the parents, various get togethers with different groups of friends, out of town guests to see, and finally, and most importantly (to me, at least) a certain person to spend as much time with as is humanly possible.

I need a vacation.

Further update

I'm not an idiot apparently. I didn't put my trust in the wrong person, just in someone who didn't handle the overwhelming emotion and complicatedness of the situation with anything close to approaching maturity.

He finally sacked up and contacted me. We met, and one look at him told me that he'd been through an awful time and was truly sorry. He explained the circumstances, and agreed that there was no excuse, but wanted my forgiveness and another chance. I told him in no uncertain terms that if this happens again, they'll be finding his body for weeks. We talked some more about things, and after he apologized some more, volunteered to meet with each of my friends individually to explain himself and endure some verbal abuse, and suggested that he make himself available for a public stoning, I decided that I'd forgive him.

So that's where we are. I'm happy again, though a touch more wary than before, and don't have to figure out what size of wimple I wear. Yet.

Mabel tries to prove to everyone yet again she is insane

In case you weren't already on board the "Mabel is a crazy person and probably should be locked away from the rest of humanity, lest her insanity infect others" train, here is something that might convince you.

So, I have this burgeoning new relationship. We talk all the time, usually around two hours a night, send lots of emails, and copious amounts of text messages. Despite busy, and usually opposite schedules, we see each other every chance we get. Everything seems to be going really well. This weekend, with him being ultra busy due to house guests, we didn't really talk on Friday and we didn't talk at all on Saturday. And instead of being a normal person, I'm freaking out. Before you say anything, yes, I realize that not talking for such a short period of time is normal, and I wouldn't have a problem with it, other than missing talking to him. Except I'm totally overly analytical about this stuff, and I worry that there might be a reason other than being busy. Last time we saw each other, I think I might have done something not good. It wasn't on purpose, and it wasn't mean, but I don't think it was great. I don't want to go into it, but suffice to say, I did something not totally awesome, and now I'm worrying that while he said it was okay (and was completely fantastic about it) at the time, that now that he's had some time to think on it, he's reconsidering everything.

So, I'm a crazy person, right? Why is it that I can't just accept that he likes me and he's busy? Why do I need to think something must be wrong? Well, there's the part where I'm insane and over-think things, but there's also experience. In the past, when I've dated guys and they've stopped talking to me as frequently as they used to, it always meant something was terribly wrong. But because I never thought something was, I'd track them down, thinking nothing was different, only to find out I was getting a dump-o-gram in the mail. And yes, that's a true story. This means that even though I'm sure there's a valid, normal and totally fine reason we haven't talked, my brain starts freaking out when I notice a few minutes have passed without him calling or replying to my last text message. I'm doing my best to keep from obsessing over this, and I keep talking to people to reaffirm that nothing is wrong. And I know I won't say anything to him when we talk next, because I don't need him to know that I'm such a freak.

I'm sure this will all blow over, and maybe I'll learn that we can not talk for a few days and everything can still be as super-fantastic-amazing as it was before. I'll keep you posted. And no, I'm totally not going to obsessively check my phone for texts now. Stop looking at me like that.

Things I've learned recently

1) When deliriously happy, I don't post.

2) I'm deliriously happy right now. Insanely so.

Cautiously optimistic

That's what you should label me.

Recently, someone came into my life in a big way, and with the force of a mack truck. After much discussion, we decided to meet up this past weekend. I was worried it was going to be awkward, or the chemistry we'd had wouldn't hold up in person. I shouldn't have been. I just had one of the best weekends of my life.

Now, there are some potential obstacles, and they are in no way small ones, but there is interest on both sides to keep this going. I have no idea if it will work, or what will happen if my school crush shows interest (he asked me to study with him on the weekend. What does that mean?) but for the first time in a long time, things are looking up for Mabel in the opposite sex department. Maybe.

Just wondering...

And yes, I'm aware that I probably should stop daydreaming about this, but I can't so bear with me.

I've been thinking about this for a while now, and I want to get it out of my head in the hopes that I can stop thinking about it. Why does my crush call so frequently? I mean, he's called me a bunch of times, and every time, it is about something terribly trivial and mostly unnecessary, like telling me to let him know what mark we got on our project, like I wouldn't do that anyway. Plus, even when we're on the phone and we know we still have something to work out, he puts it off till a later conversation.

That's gotta be either a very good sign, or he needs to use up his phone minutes every month. Right?

Mabel is sad

Tragedy.

Today, on the best day of the week, when I have class with my crush, and when I should be happy beyond belief, I am sad.

I got a phone call earlier letting me know that he won't be in class today. How am I supposed to get through class now? My whole week is ruined.

The only possible silver lining is that I'll have to arrange a private tutoring session with him to impart what we learned today. In a candle-lit room, at night? I can dream...

Oh yeah, it's love!

My classroom crush is apparently far more intense than I thought.

Yesterday I actually volunteered to point out something to the prof that would probably lower the mark I had received, in order to get him the mark he deserved.

Think about that for a minute. I was prepared to offer up my scholastic acheivment for this guy. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.

Now, he refused my offer, and upon further analysis, my mark wouldn't have been lowered even had I taken up the cause, but I was totally willing to get a lower mark for him. I know, I can barely believe it myself.

Forget crush...

...I'm completely head over heels.


Thank you, gods of the classroom.

He is everything I ever wanted in a classroom crush, and just keeps getting better. He makes going to our class worthwhile, which is impressive, considering the prof is a rude man whose writing resembles chicken scratch and who answers every question with "Read the book!" Yeah, he's that good. He is worth every inconvenience thrown my way. Even my douchey advertising group, where no one seems to be able to follow simple instructions, or keep from yelling at me when I suggest we should actually do the assignment as requested. Yup, I'm willing to put up with that much. I know, pathetic...sigh, but you haven't met him...

My prayers have been answered

And it's about damn time.

The gods of the classroom have finally smiled upon me and granted me someone to gaze at while in one of my classes. And he's smart, personable, and age-appropriate. Plus, he wants me to do group work with him to boot.

I think I've finally got me a schoolgirl crush!

Damn you Cupid!

And there we have it. Just over two months into my school odyssey, and in my role as Diane Fossey, I have fallen hard for one of the gorillas. That's right kids, in less than two months, I've gone from total disdain for my fellow students, to crushing on one of them something fierce. And yes, I know how inappropriate it is. And no, I'm not going to do anything about it. I knew my flirty and crush-prone side would show through eventually, but I always figured it would be surface around one of the guys who frequent the coffee shops around school, or maybe one of the young profs. Never did I think it would be a student. And he's just so damn young. But terribly, terribly appealing. Oh well, I think he is in my program, so maybe I can just wait it out. Give it a few years. In the meantime, I'm going to have to start wearing better outfits to school. For no reason whatsoever. Stop looking at me like that.