The reason I’ve been away so long is because I’ve been too depressed to form words, let alone type them out and post them.
Please forgive me,
What? You don’t believe me? Fine. These are the things that have been making me so sad/insane:
Internet access, the lack thereof.
Don’t even wanna talk about it, as if I ponder on it, I go into an angry catatonia, and with school starting up, I can’t afford that. At least it is back, for now.
Surprise party, organizing/general prep and hosting of.
A major birthday for my Dad. Guest list of 50. I did 90% of the cooking, shopping and baking for the event. Plus, I had to keep my mother from spazzing out, as apparently she can’t handle stress. It nearly killed me, I tell you. It was almost a month ago, and I still need to vacation. Though, I did get to use my mad project management skillz while organizing, so there’s that…
Job, the lack thereof.
Despite my best efforts, some amazing interviews, and gigs that are perfectly matched to my skills and interests, I have yet to land one. Am I too old for part time retail work? Too skilled? Too female? Don’t know, but I don’t think that I can handle going in for one more interview, nailing it, and not getting the job. I interviewed for a part time job at a local indy bookstore. Books and me go together like ebony and ivory. Or Oprah and baked ham. They loved me, and my interviews went spectacularly. But no dice. Hell, jobs I interviewed for and didn’t get are now being posted again, showing that I would have been a way better choice. It just makes me want to curl up and die.
Brokeness, excessiveness of.
I’m so short of cash that I have to choose between going out for one drink on a friend’s birthday and eating that day. I went out to meet up with old friends a few weeks ago, and spent 20$ in one night. I didn’t buy food for the rest of the week in penance. I frequently find myself talking myself out of purchasing such luxuries such as vitamins, fruit and vegetables (have you any idea how freakin expensive they are? Yeesh!), and basic food stuffs in general. And if I do purchase said items, I end up feeling bad about it, like I shouldn’t have done it. I spent 25$ on groceries last week, all on items that were on sale, and were healthy essentials, and still I feel like I should have done better or gone without.
Scholarships, my lack thereof.
I had no idea that my intelligence would be such a bother in getting money for school. I wasted my time kicking scholastic ass last year, when what I should have been doing is finding a way to get adopted by some Masons, or having a kid some I could get some “single mom” cash. I don’t know if this is just my school, but the bursaries for the smart are vastly outnumbered by those for the incompetent, somehow disabled, or special cases.
Playoffs, not being in them.
The continuing inability of my beloved Jays to get into the playoffs, despite having a good team, is infuriating.
Clothing, suckiness and dearth of.
But more on that later, when I’ve imbibed far more gin.
So, mostly? I’m gonna agree with the Debt Canada poster –“Like hell money can’t buy happiness.” Tru dat. If had some cash, I’d be mostly filled to the brim with girlish glee. The rest would depend on cashing in some runners in scoring position. Sigh.