Phonecall from Hoboken

It finally came this morning.

And it was odd. And wonderful. And made me feel much better. And made me miss him.

I'm still not sure what will become of us, but I'm glad that I don't have to hate him.

I get it

I mean, I figured it out.

This may surprise you, but I've done a lot of thinking about this since Monday. He didn't phrase it well, but after going over our conversations again and again, I figured out what he was trying to say. I realized that the Tulsa gig means that on top of giving up weekends back here without his kid, he also has to shorten the weekends he has with his kid, and that's why he said he didn't want to have to choose between us. Which makes perfect sense. I wouldn't want him to see me instead of his kid, especially given their short time together, and I wouldn't want him if he could choose me instead of her. So, essentially, this would mean that for the duration of the Tulsa gig, we wouldn't see each other, and seeing as it is open-ended (they proposed a three month trial, and then a negotiation for more time if required) and he wouldn’t be able to walk away until the work is complete, it could be 6 months in between us seeing each other. Add that to the fact that he’s already drowning in work from Hoboken, and that Tulsa would only add to his stress, and chances are we’d end up talking less than we had been, and that wouldn’t be good for either of us.

I think the goal of Monday was to break us up now, so he could do the Tulsa gig without as much guilt, he could let me move on with my life and so we both wouldn’t get as hurt. The problem with that? We’re already totally head over heels for each other, and it is going to hurt like hell no matter what. Plus? I don’t want anyone else, and I don't think he does either. I understand what he was doing now, and I get why he was so upset, and kept talking to me and held me. I don’t like it, but I get it. All that I can do now is talk to him next week and keep him in my life as much as I can, hope that Tulsa finishes up quickly, and that he comes back and we can pick up where we left off. And I actually have faith that this is what will happen.

Happy Bleck Day

Now, let's be clear on something:

I've always disliked Valentine's Day. Always. I've always been against it, whether I'm in a relationship or not. So this bitterness is not due to my recent trauma.

But I hate today. It is crass, and commercial, and sets up all sorts of unrealistic expectations, not to mention it brings out the worst in people. I have seen people who break up with someone based solely on not making a big enough deal of this day. I have seen people treat their significant others like crap most of the rest of the year, and by throwing money at the stereotypical red roses, jewellery and chocolate, feel they get a free pass to do so because they've made up for it. It makes me ill.

Additionally, I hate the whole idea that all women want the same things, that I'd be placated and impressed if my man brought home the generic gift mentioned above. Actually, if he did that, I'd be a little unimpressed, thinking he didn't know me all that well.

So, here's a little primer for any potential future mates of mine when it comes to V-day:

I don't like diamonds.
I hate red roses.
I loathe all the cuddly-wuddly crap like bears, and hearts and the like.
I don’t relish the idea of making this one day into some huge relationship test.
And lastly? I'd be far more impressed if you came home on May 5th with a bottle of wine and some alstromeria.

Feeling slightly more positive...right now

I usually have dinner with my mom on Wednesdays, but just felt I couldn't do it this week, after our ugly Sunday, and the trauma of the past couple of days. So, I called to let her know I wasn't going to come, and had to tell her. I wasn't looking forward to it, as she had pegged the boy as my future lifemate (just my impression from listening to her talk about us, not that she said it to me, that I implied it, or that she met him) and I foresaw this being another opportunity to blame me.

I was shocked when it didn't happen. And even more shocked when she made me feel better.

I gave her a glossed over version (he can't do a relationship with the job) and she was supportive. She asked if we were going to be friends, and said that you never know what will happen, and that things change, so not to let it break me. Then she said that I'd been very good for him, being there for support and fun, and maybe he'd miss that, and that he'd been good for me too, in that he helped me realize I have something to offer in the romantic relationship department. It all seemed so rational, and after getting really sad while talking to her, I'm feeling kinda better now. I am freaking awesome, and if he's not ready, well, then I'll just find someone who is. Or, we'll work it out at a later date (and she'd know about being dumped and after the situation changes, being asked for another chance and then ending up spending the rest of your lives together - my dad was a total jackass when they were dating. I'll tell you all about it sometime).

At the end of the conversation, after a lot of support and concern, she rounded back into form, and was concerned that I not fall apart like I usually do, and that I...wait for it...not eat junk. Thanks mom.

My ipod hates me part 2

On my way to school today, my ipod decided I should listen to:

OMD - If you leave
Yaz - Only you

Both of which totally didn't make me burst into tears. I'm starting to think about tossing it into the microwave.

My ipod hates me

So, yesterday, while sitting in class moments before my accounting exam, I'm trying to focus on my notes instead of the gaping hole in my heart and the fact that I can't seem to feel my limbs, and I have my ipod on. And what cheery, helpful tune does it decide to play?

Left & Leaving by The Weakerthans.

If you're not familiar with it, go find a copy and listen to the lyrics. And tell me you wouldn't break down if you were in my shoes.

And in case you were wondering? The accounting exam? Went just swimmingly. If I managed to get anything above 60% I will throw a party. I couldn't focus on the questions, and barely was able to hold the pencil to fill in the scantron. I'll say this for him: he's got impeccable timing.

I was obviously Hitler in a past life

I have to have been. That's pretty much the only thing that explains my karma.

After my post asking about me being demanding, I went to my parents for a family member's birthday dinner, and it was awful. My mother was terrible to me, and I watched her needle my father, and I just decided that no matter what, I didn't want a relationship like that, and that what the boy and I had was pretty damn good, so I'd work through it. I'd decided to not talk to him about my demands. I got home from dinner and called him, and we had one of our nice, long, really amazing talks. I told him I was bringing him some of the meringues I made for curling, and we said we were looking forward to seeing each other in the morning.

I arrived at the coffee shop a bit early, and he was there. We said hi, and chatted a bit, and he bought us coffee. We went and found a table, and he told me that he got the gig in Tulsa. I congratulated him, and then he said that it meant spending two weekends a month there, and that he thought that meant he wasn't going to be able to be in a relationship. I just about passed out. We spent the better part of two hours sitting there, alternately talking and sitting in silence, me trying to figure out what the hell he was thinking, and why he was doing this, and him giving me mixed messages. I'd sit there looking away, and out of the corner of my eye, I'd catch him looking at me, but when I'd look up to meet his eyes, he'd look away and pretend he hadn't been looking. Finally, he had to go catch his flight to Hoboken, and he got up to leave. He asked if we could talk later, and I said sure, and then he hugged me, tightly, and kissed my head a couple of times, and then we broke apart, and he kissed me a couple of times, and then he took the meringues and left. I was upset, and confused, and had to go do some schoolwork.

Fastforward to later in the evening, when I'm trying to study for my accounting exam today (again, what did I do to deserve this?) and not being able to, as all I can think of is our promised conversation. I finally sack up, and call him. He picks up the phone, and apologizes for not calling, and we have short, stilted chat about the rest of our days. Then he says he'll call me back on his calling card, and I say okay, and hang up, partially convinced he won't. But, a few minutes later, he does. We again have this stilted conversation about stuff other than the elephant in the room. I take the plunge, and mention it. And we go through everything. I ask him all the things I need/want to know, and he tries to explain. Basically, he said he needs to focus on his career and his kid, and can't do a relationship, and he doesn't want a relationship, and all that. But it is the strangest conversation I've ever had, because while we do talk about us, we also talk about random stuff in our lives from earlier in the day, and stuff that had happened to us on other days, and in some ways, were really, really honest about everything, and it was like our normal conversations. We talked for almost two hours, including a break where he had to get off the phone for a bit, but then called me back. He said he didn't want to never talk to me again, but was surprised that I didn't want him dead, and didn't know how to handle us...however we end up. I was surprised that I didn't want him dead either. I'm angry (and how!) and think he's not being honest with himself and that he's doing this for other reasons (fear of intimacy, fear of getting hurt, fear of not being able to make me/us happy with him being away so much) and am not unconvinced that he won't wake up and realize that he made a mistake at some point in the future, but I don't want him dead. And I do think I want him in my life. I opened up to him in ways I haven't to anyone else, and I don't want to let go of that, whatever else happens. And yes, I might change my mind on that, but right now, that's how I feel.

So, we're going to talk when he's back in town in a couple of weeks. I guess that's supposed to give us time to separate, or get over it, or whatever. I'm not sure that I'm not hoping it gives him time to smarten up and retract this. And yes, that's a stupid thing, and I'm trying to not focus on that, but I just can't. This will sound insane, I know, but I would swear to you that we are a perfect fit, and I just can't accept that if I haven't totally been snowed by him, that we aren't supposed to be together.

And now, I'm left with a broken heart, shattered confidence and a feeling that I'm a terrible judge of character. I'd drink, but accounting takes a sober mind.

Am I being a demanding bitch?

No really, I'm asking because I need to know.

So, the boy has all these demands on his time, especially when he is back home. And over the past month and a bit, I've been coming last. Like way last. Three of five scheduled meetings have been cancelled with no rescheduled time offered. I've always been understanding, and haven't made an issue of it, but it means that he is sad, and I'm sad, and it sucks, and makes our conversations (the main form of our relationship) kind of strained sometimes. But I think I'm getting to the end of my rope. This weekend, we were supposed to get together, but due to circumstances beyond control, we couldn't. I knew he was doing the right thing, but was still sad. To combat my sadness, I suggested that he try to find a way to get together later on the weekend. And he thought he had a couple of possibilities. Then, it looked like one was going to work, and we were both delighted. We had a nice conversation, actually able to enjoy talking to each other, as opposed to the earlier conversation where the cancellation happened. Today was supposed to be the day, but an hour or so before the meet, he had to cancel. With reason, but still. Again, sadness all around, particularly because meeting up tomorrow before he heads back to Hoboken wasn't an option. After a bit, I decided to change my plans for tomorrow so we could meet up.

And now I think that I need to talk to him about how I'm feeling, but am worried that I'm being a demanding bitch by doing this. I knew going in I wasn't number one or two on his priority list, and that I wouldn't get to see him tonnes. But, with him cancelling on me so frequently, I'm starting to feel like I'm not even third on the list. And maybe that's not fair, because I've only been cancelled on because of his top two priorities, but it is how I feel. And I think I need more. But if I ask for that, is that asking for too much? Is that going against what I agreed to going in? And is that going to cause us to break up? I don't know what I expect him to do about this, because when he's had to cancel, he's had no other option. And I don't want to be a stress in his life, but I'm getting resentful of making time for him and then getting cancelled on.

Should I bring this up? How do I make my point without being whiny? Is this me being one of those women I've always hated? Does he think I want to break up? What am I prepared to put up with, and what is my limit? Will I pull my heart off the table at some point? Gah. I'm nauseous just thinking about it. But I think I need to talk to him about it, because if this happens one more time (and it likely will, at some point, if not right away) and I haven't said anything, I don't see me handling it well. I don't even know if I want to talk to him tonight after visiting my parents (which again, will be a reverent joy) and pretend that everything is okay, seeing as I think tomorrow isn't going to be fun. I see him in about 28 hours. Maybe I should start drinking now?