Now, I hate to say I told you so...

http://www.cbc.ca/canada/ontariovotes2007/story/2007/10/10/leaders.html

...but I freaking told you so John Tory. I called it ages ago. And the fact that I'm smarter than all the people on your staff should frighten you to death. I'd offer to help you out, but, fact is, I like my soul too much.

And now, to be completely juvenile - Nyah nyah nyahnyah nyah. Cram it with walnuts, ugly.

More tips for John Tory

I know, I can't believe it either. Next thing you know, the rivers will run with blood. We've already had the locusts (see: Cleveland-New York baseball game this weekend) so the end times must be upon us.

But seriously, John John - if I may be so forward as to give you this moniker - have you lost your mind? The ratcheting up of the attack ads was one thing, and not effective in the least by all accounts (see: polls, all recent ones.) But chastising voters? Do you actually think this is going to change people's minds? Do you really think that someone who was going to vote Liberal (or NDP, Green, or anything not PC) is going to decide that now that you've come out and accused them of low standards that they must prove you wrong and vote for you? If anything, it will entrench their opinion. Plus, it makes you look like a whiny, sullen, childish douchebag who isn't mature enough to govern the province of Ontario. Which I could have told you before the public humiliation.

On the bright side, you have done something that I never would have thought possible after Stephen Harper and the Harris years, (which is totally the name of my next prog-rock band). You made me feel sympathy for a Conservative. If the end times aren't upon us, that is something to build on.

Un-freaking-believable

With the humidity, it is 40 degrees Celsius in Toronto today.

No, there is nothing insane going on with the weather, nothing at all. This is not cause for panic.

And the birthday joy just keeps on coming...

My ipod seems to be broken, I have nothing to put on toast for breakfast tomorrow, and the test I have to take tomorrow is apparently heinous. Oh, and my hockey team lost again.

Universe, you do know that my birthday is over now, right? So feel free to leave me alone.

Embodiment of Irony

Anyone who knows me knows that I've always hated it when people get upset about getting older. It drives me bazoo. The example that brings up my ire the most is that of a girl I went to school with, who cried, honest to goodness cried, the day she turned 21. I was appalled and sickened by that. I couldn't get over that she thought her life was over at that point.

So it is with great regret that I have to say I've turned into everything I hate. I've shed tears over being in my thirties. I suck.

And that's what you call ironic, Alanis.

I'm old

I'm sitting at home today, fate having smiled upon me and worked it out so that I have no classes on this, my birthday.

I'm now no longer thirty, but "in my thirties". And for the first time ever on a birthday, I feel old. Is it because I actually think being in my thirties is terrible? No. Do I think it is especially old in and of itself? No. But society and mother nature have deemed that it is. There are certain things you are supposed to have done by this age, and there are certain things that biologically, after 30 get harder.

I'm in my thirties, and I'm not close to being done with school. Which means I'm not close to establishing a career.

I'm in my thirties, and I don't have a real life plan. Oh sure, I kinda know what is going on for the next few years, but after that? Who knows?

I'm in my thirties, and I don't have any savings. I have enough to get by for now, but retirement for me at this point looks to be spent begging for change on the street.

I'm in my thirties, and I'm not in a relationship. Hell, there aren't even any prospects on the horizon. And you know what they say about the chances of a woman over 35 getting married...

I'm in my thirties, and I don't have kids. I think I want them, but if I don't get on that right quick, it won't happen.

I'm in my thirties, and my parents won't be around forever. This isn't news, but they are of an age where dying wouldn't necessarily be dying young. People die in their sixties. Both my parents lost one of their parents by the time they were my age.

Wow. Writing that all down was supposed to be cathartic, and to maybe explain why I'm less than joyful. But reading it in print? It is just damn depressing. And if I didn't have a latte and chocolate chip pancakes waiting for me, I might just stick my head in the oven. But I've never say no to caffeine and chocolate, and I don't intend to start now. After all, I'm in my thirties now, and stuck in my ways.

I knew veggies weren't good for me

My Fortune Cookie told me: Don't you just hate it when even the aubergines are plotting against you? Get a cookie from Miss Fortune

A political message

Now, I will grant you that I'd rather have my tongue beaten paper-thin with a meat tenderizer than vote Conservative, and I live in fear that they will win the upcoming election, and destroy everything I hold dear. But as someone who thinks democracy is a good thing, I want there to be actual choices for people come election time so that voting doesn't become an exercise in 'Who is less evil?', so I'm considering this my public service for the week.

Attn: person who is running John Tory's campaign

Hi there,

You don't know me, and probably don't like me, what with all the crazy liberal thinking I do, but I want to help you. Not enough to get you elected, you understand, but enough to ensure that democracy really works. So listen closely:

Stop the attack ads. Now.

They are nonsensical, using stats that aren't even remotely true, and prey on people's darkest fears. Which is just douchey. The whole "Killers are walking around on bail and it is all Dalt's fault" premise is especially annoying because bail isn't part of the province's jurisdiction. It is part of the federal bailiwick, and even then, we have this pesky little thing where people have rights, so judges are loathe to just lock people up without bail pending their trials.

I know it is super easy to go with a whole "Liberals are evil, and if you love your family, you'll vote against them" because you don't need to do any research, you just make stuff up and slap it on the air, thus allowing you to go home to your families. But attack ads don't really work in Canada (remember the whole "Jean Chretien's face is deformed so he obviously can't lead the country" ad? Or more recently, the "kitten eater" email? I'm thinking you're looking for a different outcome than that in which those two resulted.) Canadians seem to get more angry with the attacker than the attackee, unlike the States, where attacking is always the right choice.

Plus, it looks shifty that you want to be in charge, but can't articulate reasons why you'd be a good choice. As my mother always says, "Because is not a reason". So give people some reason to think that you have a plan, at least, a plan beyond "Dalton sucks". That way, you might actually get your wish (in which case, I may need to flee the province. I survived the Harris years, and I have no wish to go back. Shudder.) but at least if you are chosen, it will be because the people chose you and your policies, and didn't just vote against another Liberal government. That is the goal of democracy, isn't it?

Now I know, if you change tacks, you will have a lot of work to do, and I don't just mean coming up with actual stands on stuff, though you should do that too. You'll have to convince people to listen to you. I know that all of my friends change the channel when your ads come on, mostly because we know there is no actual political discourse going on, just slander. And we all know, slander is only fun when you are sitting in a bar attacking people who aren't there. It has no place in politics.

Lastly, even if you don't want to take my advice and develop ads that aren't of the attack variety, could you please take the current crop of ads off the air? For me? I know there isn't much time before the election, but I'm finding I have to charge across my place quite frequently, so that I can change the channel before I'm subjected to yet another attack ad. And one of these times, I'm going to end up skidding into a wall or something and injure myself. So please, if not for democracy, then for my health. I know that if you get elected, you'll appreciate it if I'm not sucking money out of our health care system.

Yours Truly,

Mabel

That tears it

The next person who throws themselves at closing doors on the subway in the hopes of cramming themselves through, pushes me out of the way in order to get on the train in front of me, or races me for a seat is gonna get my stiletto heel lodged in their eye but good.

Shudder

I just saw a commercial for the movie Sidney White. And may I just say, Amanda Bynes, sunshine, you look like some sort of haggard, plastic, overly tanned version of a human being. You might want to do something about that. That vision of you will replace the whale in my dreams.