A political message

Now, I will grant you that I'd rather have my tongue beaten paper-thin with a meat tenderizer than vote Conservative, and I live in fear that they will win the upcoming election, and destroy everything I hold dear. But as someone who thinks democracy is a good thing, I want there to be actual choices for people come election time so that voting doesn't become an exercise in 'Who is less evil?', so I'm considering this my public service for the week.

Attn: person who is running John Tory's campaign

Hi there,

You don't know me, and probably don't like me, what with all the crazy liberal thinking I do, but I want to help you. Not enough to get you elected, you understand, but enough to ensure that democracy really works. So listen closely:

Stop the attack ads. Now.

They are nonsensical, using stats that aren't even remotely true, and prey on people's darkest fears. Which is just douchey. The whole "Killers are walking around on bail and it is all Dalt's fault" premise is especially annoying because bail isn't part of the province's jurisdiction. It is part of the federal bailiwick, and even then, we have this pesky little thing where people have rights, so judges are loathe to just lock people up without bail pending their trials.

I know it is super easy to go with a whole "Liberals are evil, and if you love your family, you'll vote against them" because you don't need to do any research, you just make stuff up and slap it on the air, thus allowing you to go home to your families. But attack ads don't really work in Canada (remember the whole "Jean Chretien's face is deformed so he obviously can't lead the country" ad? Or more recently, the "kitten eater" email? I'm thinking you're looking for a different outcome than that in which those two resulted.) Canadians seem to get more angry with the attacker than the attackee, unlike the States, where attacking is always the right choice.

Plus, it looks shifty that you want to be in charge, but can't articulate reasons why you'd be a good choice. As my mother always says, "Because is not a reason". So give people some reason to think that you have a plan, at least, a plan beyond "Dalton sucks". That way, you might actually get your wish (in which case, I may need to flee the province. I survived the Harris years, and I have no wish to go back. Shudder.) but at least if you are chosen, it will be because the people chose you and your policies, and didn't just vote against another Liberal government. That is the goal of democracy, isn't it?

Now I know, if you change tacks, you will have a lot of work to do, and I don't just mean coming up with actual stands on stuff, though you should do that too. You'll have to convince people to listen to you. I know that all of my friends change the channel when your ads come on, mostly because we know there is no actual political discourse going on, just slander. And we all know, slander is only fun when you are sitting in a bar attacking people who aren't there. It has no place in politics.

Lastly, even if you don't want to take my advice and develop ads that aren't of the attack variety, could you please take the current crop of ads off the air? For me? I know there isn't much time before the election, but I'm finding I have to charge across my place quite frequently, so that I can change the channel before I'm subjected to yet another attack ad. And one of these times, I'm going to end up skidding into a wall or something and injure myself. So please, if not for democracy, then for my health. I know that if you get elected, you'll appreciate it if I'm not sucking money out of our health care system.

Yours Truly,

Mabel

Shudder

I just saw a commercial for the movie Sidney White. And may I just say, Amanda Bynes, sunshine, you look like some sort of haggard, plastic, overly tanned version of a human being. You might want to do something about that. That vision of you will replace the whale in my dreams.

Damn you Entertainment Tonight!

I just saw the new Telus commercial, and as soon as I heard the song, what instantly pops into my head? That it is from High School Musical. Which I have never seen. It is amazing how my brain sucks this crap in. How is there room for it all? I'm surprised I can still walk and talk at the same time.

Minty AND chewable?

Man, it is so great that science has found cures for all disease and solved all our major problems, cuz I've had to put up with a birth control pill I have to take with a glass of water for far too damn long. If I want to be sexually active and not pregnant, I have to be responsible enough to take a pill every day, and I need to drink water with it to wash it down. What is up with that? Did we lose a war here? I can't believe we call this a free country, with that sort of crap.

But now science has fixed this important issue and come up with a birth control pill I can "take wherever", according to the advertising.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16098766/

See? That's what I'm talking about. A chewable birth control pill that tastes minty. Finally. Now we can call ourselves civilized.

In case you couldn't tell, I was being sarcastic.

Chewable birth control pills? Really? And pardon my Latvian, but why? Are there really lots of women walking around complaining about not getting to use their teeth enough while taking the pill? Did someone think that chewing gum was fun, but you have to throw it out eventually, so what would be awesome is something to chew that disolves instead? Do lots of people love the taste of spearmint but hate gum, and need to get their fix somehow? Is taking a pill currently so difficult that you can only do it in the comfort of your own home?

Oh, and while we're on the topic of the "portability" factor, I read some of the directions, and you have to drink an 8oz glass of water with this chewable pill anyhow, so wouldn't it be easier to just toss one down the hatch with the water instead of chewing followed by a water chaser?

On top of the fact that this sounds like a marketing brainstorm idea gone really wrong, I just can't believe that good money and energy were spent to get it developed. I'm all for science, (ask anyone, I'm always experimenting. Suzuki, I'm gunning for you!) but couldn't we be doing something more, um, productive than developing birth control pills that we can chew and taste of spearmint? Like develop a giant tomato that could end world hunger? Just asking.

Finally!

For ages, I've been walking around, telling everyone and anyone who will listen that what Gatorade should do is make Gatorade in a flavour I can handle in the morning, because the regular stuff just doesn't work for me in the morning. And now, wonder of wonders, I see they've finally done it. I just saw a commercial announcing that Gatorade now has Gatorade AM, which comes in "flavors developed to appeal to you in the morning".

Pardon my Latvian, but what the hell are flavours that appeal to me in the morning? And how are they different from flavours that appeal to me at midday or in the evening, or even in the middle of the night? The commercial wasn't forthcoming with the details, so I'm going to assume that AM flavour is extra strong coffee that can peel paint off the walls. Either that, or toothpaste.

What's currently chaffing my ass?

I try to ignore advertising, in all its forms. I hit the mute button, I fastforward (yes kids, there used to be this thing called a VCR, and you could record stuff off tv onto 'tapes' and watch it later. I still use one) or I change the channel.

But despite all my best efforts, I have managed to watch/listen to some ads recently. Strangely enough, mostly it has been the same two ads. And I want all trace of them wiped off the face of the earth.

Have you seen these new Ontario ads? Holy freaking mother of god, those are irritating. They are far too damn long, and the music is vomit-inducing music. Let's not even get into what pathetic Sens fan made this commercial. I mean come on, nobody, and I mean nobody, is coming to Ontario so they can be a Sens fan. And could you find a way to play them more often? Because I found watching TV last night that I almost saw a couple of other commercials during the commercial breaks. Sigh.

The other one that is driving me bazoo is the radio ad for the the new chocolate muffins, cookies, etc from Tim Hortons. 30 seconds of two annoying people coming up with stupid words to describe how wonderful the new stuff is. Here's a tip: when your ad is 80% incomprehensible rambling, it is going to make most people tune out, and make me swear to never try your product, despite my long love affair with anything chocolate. And again, try airing it a little less frequently. Even if it was cute the first time (which it really wasn't - the made up words thing as advertising is so overplayed. See: some product I don't remember but uses the word 'crucheweesy') it wouldn't be by the 40th airing. Which is roughly 4 hours after the first. Urgh.

Both of these ads, which are interestingly enough for things I do like (Tim Hortons and Ontario are both highly recommended. If you haven't tried them, you really should!) have the same effect on me. And that effect is that when I catch them, I am overwhelmed by the desire to gouge out my eyes and rupture my ears with a sharp object. Now, I'm not an advertising exec, but I'm pretty sure that's not the reaction they are looking for.

I swear, this is the last curling entry

I promise, really it is, but I've sat on this for too long, and I just saw this verdammt commercial again and I can no longer contain my rage.

Has anyone seen the commercial for a certain "putting the yowser back in your trouser" product that wasn't endorsed by Bob Dole? Y'know, the one where people are curling? (I know, I'll come up with something new to obsess over, I promise)

Let me count the problems with this espece de merde.

1) The fall he takes? While curlers are awesome about rushing over to tend to someone who has fallen (thanks guys!) that weren't no fall. That's barely losing your balance. No one is going to suggest that someone not continue playing after that, and no curler worth their salt is going to stop playing after that.

2) The fact that the man and his wife then get up and leave the club, instead of him just sitting out an end. What kind of grade A bullplop is this? Even if you need to sit out for a bit, you don't leave, you just go to the side and rest, and as for your teammate leaving too? Hells no. You can't curl with only two people on a team. It is against the rules. You need to have at least three people, so unless you are severely hurt, like 'call the ambulance and get a gurney ready for my near-corpse' hurt, you wouldn't get a team member to leave the club with you. It is just bad manners, and curling? Is all about manners. And booze. But mostly manners.

Which leads me to point the third:

3) While I'm delighted that you can now engage in sexual relations with your wife again, what type of asinine, juvenile moron are you that you can't either wait an hour till the game is done, or, if you indeed must punch her ticket immediately, just call in sick before the game, so that your teammates have a chance to find someone to take the place of your overly randy ass? You're a grown man, so stop behaving like a child.

And let's not even get into the suckiness of their charade. How about waiting till your a little further away before you titter about your sneakiness? Yeesh.

So, in closing? A terrible ad, because it just doesn't work. On any level. As a curler, it seriously chafes my ass to see that commercial, and basically has made me conclude that if I'm ever in a situation where my partner needs to use said product, I'm going to steer him towards the competition. That's how pissed I am. And hey there drug company, stop trying to use poor old curling to peddle your remedy for erectile dysfunction. What did curling ever do to you?