Phonecall from Hoboken

It finally came this morning.

And it was odd. And wonderful. And made me feel much better. And made me miss him.

I'm still not sure what will become of us, but I'm glad that I don't have to hate him.

I get it

I mean, I figured it out.

This may surprise you, but I've done a lot of thinking about this since Monday. He didn't phrase it well, but after going over our conversations again and again, I figured out what he was trying to say. I realized that the Tulsa gig means that on top of giving up weekends back here without his kid, he also has to shorten the weekends he has with his kid, and that's why he said he didn't want to have to choose between us. Which makes perfect sense. I wouldn't want him to see me instead of his kid, especially given their short time together, and I wouldn't want him if he could choose me instead of her. So, essentially, this would mean that for the duration of the Tulsa gig, we wouldn't see each other, and seeing as it is open-ended (they proposed a three month trial, and then a negotiation for more time if required) and he wouldn’t be able to walk away until the work is complete, it could be 6 months in between us seeing each other. Add that to the fact that he’s already drowning in work from Hoboken, and that Tulsa would only add to his stress, and chances are we’d end up talking less than we had been, and that wouldn’t be good for either of us.

I think the goal of Monday was to break us up now, so he could do the Tulsa gig without as much guilt, he could let me move on with my life and so we both wouldn’t get as hurt. The problem with that? We’re already totally head over heels for each other, and it is going to hurt like hell no matter what. Plus? I don’t want anyone else, and I don't think he does either. I understand what he was doing now, and I get why he was so upset, and kept talking to me and held me. I don’t like it, but I get it. All that I can do now is talk to him next week and keep him in my life as much as I can, hope that Tulsa finishes up quickly, and that he comes back and we can pick up where we left off. And I actually have faith that this is what will happen.

Happy Bleck Day

Now, let's be clear on something:

I've always disliked Valentine's Day. Always. I've always been against it, whether I'm in a relationship or not. So this bitterness is not due to my recent trauma.

But I hate today. It is crass, and commercial, and sets up all sorts of unrealistic expectations, not to mention it brings out the worst in people. I have seen people who break up with someone based solely on not making a big enough deal of this day. I have seen people treat their significant others like crap most of the rest of the year, and by throwing money at the stereotypical red roses, jewellery and chocolate, feel they get a free pass to do so because they've made up for it. It makes me ill.

Additionally, I hate the whole idea that all women want the same things, that I'd be placated and impressed if my man brought home the generic gift mentioned above. Actually, if he did that, I'd be a little unimpressed, thinking he didn't know me all that well.

So, here's a little primer for any potential future mates of mine when it comes to V-day:

I don't like diamonds.
I hate red roses.
I loathe all the cuddly-wuddly crap like bears, and hearts and the like.
I don’t relish the idea of making this one day into some huge relationship test.
And lastly? I'd be far more impressed if you came home on May 5th with a bottle of wine and some alstromeria.

Feeling slightly more positive...right now

I usually have dinner with my mom on Wednesdays, but just felt I couldn't do it this week, after our ugly Sunday, and the trauma of the past couple of days. So, I called to let her know I wasn't going to come, and had to tell her. I wasn't looking forward to it, as she had pegged the boy as my future lifemate (just my impression from listening to her talk about us, not that she said it to me, that I implied it, or that she met him) and I foresaw this being another opportunity to blame me.

I was shocked when it didn't happen. And even more shocked when she made me feel better.

I gave her a glossed over version (he can't do a relationship with the job) and she was supportive. She asked if we were going to be friends, and said that you never know what will happen, and that things change, so not to let it break me. Then she said that I'd been very good for him, being there for support and fun, and maybe he'd miss that, and that he'd been good for me too, in that he helped me realize I have something to offer in the romantic relationship department. It all seemed so rational, and after getting really sad while talking to her, I'm feeling kinda better now. I am freaking awesome, and if he's not ready, well, then I'll just find someone who is. Or, we'll work it out at a later date (and she'd know about being dumped and after the situation changes, being asked for another chance and then ending up spending the rest of your lives together - my dad was a total jackass when they were dating. I'll tell you all about it sometime).

At the end of the conversation, after a lot of support and concern, she rounded back into form, and was concerned that I not fall apart like I usually do, and that I...wait for it...not eat junk. Thanks mom.

My ipod hates me part 2

On my way to school today, my ipod decided I should listen to:

OMD - If you leave
Yaz - Only you

Both of which totally didn't make me burst into tears. I'm starting to think about tossing it into the microwave.

My ipod hates me

So, yesterday, while sitting in class moments before my accounting exam, I'm trying to focus on my notes instead of the gaping hole in my heart and the fact that I can't seem to feel my limbs, and I have my ipod on. And what cheery, helpful tune does it decide to play?

Left & Leaving by The Weakerthans.

If you're not familiar with it, go find a copy and listen to the lyrics. And tell me you wouldn't break down if you were in my shoes.

And in case you were wondering? The accounting exam? Went just swimmingly. If I managed to get anything above 60% I will throw a party. I couldn't focus on the questions, and barely was able to hold the pencil to fill in the scantron. I'll say this for him: he's got impeccable timing.

I was obviously Hitler in a past life

I have to have been. That's pretty much the only thing that explains my karma.

After my post asking about me being demanding, I went to my parents for a family member's birthday dinner, and it was awful. My mother was terrible to me, and I watched her needle my father, and I just decided that no matter what, I didn't want a relationship like that, and that what the boy and I had was pretty damn good, so I'd work through it. I'd decided to not talk to him about my demands. I got home from dinner and called him, and we had one of our nice, long, really amazing talks. I told him I was bringing him some of the meringues I made for curling, and we said we were looking forward to seeing each other in the morning.

I arrived at the coffee shop a bit early, and he was there. We said hi, and chatted a bit, and he bought us coffee. We went and found a table, and he told me that he got the gig in Tulsa. I congratulated him, and then he said that it meant spending two weekends a month there, and that he thought that meant he wasn't going to be able to be in a relationship. I just about passed out. We spent the better part of two hours sitting there, alternately talking and sitting in silence, me trying to figure out what the hell he was thinking, and why he was doing this, and him giving me mixed messages. I'd sit there looking away, and out of the corner of my eye, I'd catch him looking at me, but when I'd look up to meet his eyes, he'd look away and pretend he hadn't been looking. Finally, he had to go catch his flight to Hoboken, and he got up to leave. He asked if we could talk later, and I said sure, and then he hugged me, tightly, and kissed my head a couple of times, and then we broke apart, and he kissed me a couple of times, and then he took the meringues and left. I was upset, and confused, and had to go do some schoolwork.

Fastforward to later in the evening, when I'm trying to study for my accounting exam today (again, what did I do to deserve this?) and not being able to, as all I can think of is our promised conversation. I finally sack up, and call him. He picks up the phone, and apologizes for not calling, and we have short, stilted chat about the rest of our days. Then he says he'll call me back on his calling card, and I say okay, and hang up, partially convinced he won't. But, a few minutes later, he does. We again have this stilted conversation about stuff other than the elephant in the room. I take the plunge, and mention it. And we go through everything. I ask him all the things I need/want to know, and he tries to explain. Basically, he said he needs to focus on his career and his kid, and can't do a relationship, and he doesn't want a relationship, and all that. But it is the strangest conversation I've ever had, because while we do talk about us, we also talk about random stuff in our lives from earlier in the day, and stuff that had happened to us on other days, and in some ways, were really, really honest about everything, and it was like our normal conversations. We talked for almost two hours, including a break where he had to get off the phone for a bit, but then called me back. He said he didn't want to never talk to me again, but was surprised that I didn't want him dead, and didn't know how to handle us...however we end up. I was surprised that I didn't want him dead either. I'm angry (and how!) and think he's not being honest with himself and that he's doing this for other reasons (fear of intimacy, fear of getting hurt, fear of not being able to make me/us happy with him being away so much) and am not unconvinced that he won't wake up and realize that he made a mistake at some point in the future, but I don't want him dead. And I do think I want him in my life. I opened up to him in ways I haven't to anyone else, and I don't want to let go of that, whatever else happens. And yes, I might change my mind on that, but right now, that's how I feel.

So, we're going to talk when he's back in town in a couple of weeks. I guess that's supposed to give us time to separate, or get over it, or whatever. I'm not sure that I'm not hoping it gives him time to smarten up and retract this. And yes, that's a stupid thing, and I'm trying to not focus on that, but I just can't. This will sound insane, I know, but I would swear to you that we are a perfect fit, and I just can't accept that if I haven't totally been snowed by him, that we aren't supposed to be together.

And now, I'm left with a broken heart, shattered confidence and a feeling that I'm a terrible judge of character. I'd drink, but accounting takes a sober mind.

Am I being a demanding bitch?

No really, I'm asking because I need to know.

So, the boy has all these demands on his time, especially when he is back home. And over the past month and a bit, I've been coming last. Like way last. Three of five scheduled meetings have been cancelled with no rescheduled time offered. I've always been understanding, and haven't made an issue of it, but it means that he is sad, and I'm sad, and it sucks, and makes our conversations (the main form of our relationship) kind of strained sometimes. But I think I'm getting to the end of my rope. This weekend, we were supposed to get together, but due to circumstances beyond control, we couldn't. I knew he was doing the right thing, but was still sad. To combat my sadness, I suggested that he try to find a way to get together later on the weekend. And he thought he had a couple of possibilities. Then, it looked like one was going to work, and we were both delighted. We had a nice conversation, actually able to enjoy talking to each other, as opposed to the earlier conversation where the cancellation happened. Today was supposed to be the day, but an hour or so before the meet, he had to cancel. With reason, but still. Again, sadness all around, particularly because meeting up tomorrow before he heads back to Hoboken wasn't an option. After a bit, I decided to change my plans for tomorrow so we could meet up.

And now I think that I need to talk to him about how I'm feeling, but am worried that I'm being a demanding bitch by doing this. I knew going in I wasn't number one or two on his priority list, and that I wouldn't get to see him tonnes. But, with him cancelling on me so frequently, I'm starting to feel like I'm not even third on the list. And maybe that's not fair, because I've only been cancelled on because of his top two priorities, but it is how I feel. And I think I need more. But if I ask for that, is that asking for too much? Is that going against what I agreed to going in? And is that going to cause us to break up? I don't know what I expect him to do about this, because when he's had to cancel, he's had no other option. And I don't want to be a stress in his life, but I'm getting resentful of making time for him and then getting cancelled on.

Should I bring this up? How do I make my point without being whiny? Is this me being one of those women I've always hated? Does he think I want to break up? What am I prepared to put up with, and what is my limit? Will I pull my heart off the table at some point? Gah. I'm nauseous just thinking about it. But I think I need to talk to him about it, because if this happens one more time (and it likely will, at some point, if not right away) and I haven't said anything, I don't see me handling it well. I don't even know if I want to talk to him tonight after visiting my parents (which again, will be a reverent joy) and pretend that everything is okay, seeing as I think tomorrow isn't going to be fun. I see him in about 28 hours. Maybe I should start drinking now?

Sigh

So, I've been away for a while. Because I've been delightfully happy, so that's a good thing.

But.

Things have been going so well, but there's a little fly in the ointment. The boy's work in Hoboken is challenging. He is there most of the week, and they are running him ragged. He once called me right when he got home from work - at midnight. It is draining him, and makes me crazy because I think he needs more time to himself, and plus, I get him at the end of extremely long and tiring days. And then, there's the part where they could terminate his contract at any point, so he is still looking for options. One of which is a part-time (less than 1 day per week) gig in Tulsa. Earlier in the month, he had to go there for the weekend to prepare the proposal, and we were both upset at missing time together. Then, instead of hearing back from them one way or another this week, they threw a wrinkle into things by asking them to come back and present the proposal twice more, to different groups of higher ups each time. But, instead of scheduling the presentations for the same day, they managed to book one for Friday afternoon, and one for Monday morning. So, my boy gets to spend the weekend (on the dime of the company, of course) in Tulsa. Again, this made us both terribly upset. But as he said, maybe that's why they need him - spending all that money and wasting all that time isn't efficient in the least.

On the bright side? Things between us are still totally awesome. So, don't expect to hear from me too much.

I can't concentrate

On anything.

Seriously. I can't think about anything for more than a few minutes before my mind wanders to a certain person and when I'll next be able to spend time with him. I start cleaning the house, and soon I'm daydreaming about our next conversation. I try to read a book, and I'm suddenly overcome with images of his face. I write emails to friends, only to lapse into reviewing our last meeting. I shower, and well, you know....

This does not bode well for next semester, does it?

Why am I up?

Okay, I'm torn here. On the one hand? Charity is good. On the other? Ewwwww.

http://www.thestar.com/Entertainment/article/555841

Busy, busy, busy

So much going on in Mabel's life right now.

There is baking to do, decorating to take place, family events to attend, frequent "Why you suck" meetings with the parents, various get togethers with different groups of friends, out of town guests to see, and finally, and most importantly (to me, at least) a certain person to spend as much time with as is humanly possible.

I need a vacation.

And I'm done

Finally. The semester comes to an end.

No more insane stats prof who answers every question with "If you had read the textbook, you'd know the answer".

No more skeezy musician trying to ingratiate himself to me.

No more close-talking, insane prof who doesn't really know what he is supposed to be marking us on and caused me to drink in class.

No more incompetent groups for projects.

But there is a downside - No more cute stats partner. At least, not for a while.

Now, I plan on spending my time getting all ready for the holidays, and doing fun stuff with the people in my life. Woo! And might I add, hooo!

Further update

I'm not an idiot apparently. I didn't put my trust in the wrong person, just in someone who didn't handle the overwhelming emotion and complicatedness of the situation with anything close to approaching maturity.

He finally sacked up and contacted me. We met, and one look at him told me that he'd been through an awful time and was truly sorry. He explained the circumstances, and agreed that there was no excuse, but wanted my forgiveness and another chance. I told him in no uncertain terms that if this happens again, they'll be finding his body for weeks. We talked some more about things, and after he apologized some more, volunteered to meet with each of my friends individually to explain himself and endure some verbal abuse, and suggested that he make himself available for a public stoning, I decided that I'd forgive him.

So that's where we are. I'm happy again, though a touch more wary than before, and don't have to figure out what size of wimple I wear. Yet.

Update

I am still a giant idiot.

That is all

Score one for the crazy person

Well....so, that happened.

Sigh. I don't even know if I've got the words. But, you'll need closure on the anecdote, so go the the bathroom, get a bevy, and here we go.

I may be crazy, but in this case? I was right.

A bit of background for you:

Tyrell (a pseudonym to protect the insanely douchey) and I started chatting on a favourite website about a month ago. It started casually, but soon degenerated into hardcore, obvious flirting for the whole community to see. We'd spend hours (roughly 4 every night for ten or so day) talking just the two of us, veering into pretty naughty territory, but having a wonderful time. A few weeks ago, after we seemed to reach the point of no return, Tyrell asked me to email him. I did, and after a few emails, we exchanged numbers. Four minutes later, he called me, and we spent almost two hours on the phone, talking about all sorts of stuff. First, he admitted that he had a small thing he needed to care for every second weekend, and then, he admitted that he had taken a job which would require him to spend half his week in Hoboken. He said he wasn't sure about "starting something" with this change looming, and I replied that we hadn't really started anything. We made plans for the next night.

I was worried that we wouldn't hit it off in person, or that he wouldn't like the way I looked (or vice versa). But it turned out just fine. He came, we watched the hockey game together, he watched me curl. After, we went back to his place for drinks. The next day, he sent me home in a cab (that he paid for) and I sorta figured that might be it. But, he sent me an email, and that started a downpour. We would talk on the phone for roughly 1.5 to 2 hours every night, and during the day, we'd text each other and email. He initiated all this, always being the one to start the emailing, texting or phone calls. I was playing it cool. He said he had the next Saturday free, so did I want to have lunch? I said sure, and we agreed that he'd bring lunch to my place. He brought a lovely bottle of wine and a charming Italian dish. It was fantastic.

In seven days, I received 100 text messages from him, all talking about how wonderful I was, and how he couldn't wait to see me. We'd talk about how this whole thing was a little overwhelming and how we couldn't believe that it had happened so quickly. A week ago, we planned meeting up in a few weeks for one big bash before Hoboken, and he talked about wanting to see me before then. He asked me to lunch, but I couldn't go. Then he asked me for coffee, and indicated that he really wanted to see me. I went, and we had a great time, sitting and drinking our coffee and talking.

Wednesday, after some racy text messages, we agreed that we'd meet up after my exam. We met up, went to his place, and spent a nice evening. When I needed to go home (due to foreign diplomats arriving at his place the next day and the need to clean up in preparation) he kept on repeating how he couldn't believe he was doing something so stupid and sending me home. He gave me money for a cab, and walked me outside, gave me a kiss and popped me into a cab with instructions to text when I got home. I did, and we had a bit of a back and forth. Thursday, again, at his initiative, lots of texting, including a request for me to say hi to the gang on the website, as well as lots of "can't wait to see you", "wish you were here" etc from him. Friday, a quick morning text from him, my reply, and then an evening text from me.

And then? Nothing.

So, I worried and got all insane, like I tend to, and talked to my friends to calm me down, convinced that this was different and everything would be just fine. Today, three plus days since I'd heard anything, I decided to send an email, just saying hi, mentioning my weekend and asking about our plans for Thursday. I did. And immediately got a bounce back email telling me that the email I had received and sent 60 emails from/to did not exist. I had a friend confirm that it had not just been a fluke. Tyrell's email didn't work anymore.

I had my answer. I hadn't been panicking without reason.

Next time: The hell? Alternately titled: Seriously, the hell? (An in depth analysis)

Mabel tries to prove to everyone yet again she is insane

In case you weren't already on board the "Mabel is a crazy person and probably should be locked away from the rest of humanity, lest her insanity infect others" train, here is something that might convince you.

So, I have this burgeoning new relationship. We talk all the time, usually around two hours a night, send lots of emails, and copious amounts of text messages. Despite busy, and usually opposite schedules, we see each other every chance we get. Everything seems to be going really well. This weekend, with him being ultra busy due to house guests, we didn't really talk on Friday and we didn't talk at all on Saturday. And instead of being a normal person, I'm freaking out. Before you say anything, yes, I realize that not talking for such a short period of time is normal, and I wouldn't have a problem with it, other than missing talking to him. Except I'm totally overly analytical about this stuff, and I worry that there might be a reason other than being busy. Last time we saw each other, I think I might have done something not good. It wasn't on purpose, and it wasn't mean, but I don't think it was great. I don't want to go into it, but suffice to say, I did something not totally awesome, and now I'm worrying that while he said it was okay (and was completely fantastic about it) at the time, that now that he's had some time to think on it, he's reconsidering everything.

So, I'm a crazy person, right? Why is it that I can't just accept that he likes me and he's busy? Why do I need to think something must be wrong? Well, there's the part where I'm insane and over-think things, but there's also experience. In the past, when I've dated guys and they've stopped talking to me as frequently as they used to, it always meant something was terribly wrong. But because I never thought something was, I'd track them down, thinking nothing was different, only to find out I was getting a dump-o-gram in the mail. And yes, that's a true story. This means that even though I'm sure there's a valid, normal and totally fine reason we haven't talked, my brain starts freaking out when I notice a few minutes have passed without him calling or replying to my last text message. I'm doing my best to keep from obsessing over this, and I keep talking to people to reaffirm that nothing is wrong. And I know I won't say anything to him when we talk next, because I don't need him to know that I'm such a freak.

I'm sure this will all blow over, and maybe I'll learn that we can not talk for a few days and everything can still be as super-fantastic-amazing as it was before. I'll keep you posted. And no, I'm totally not going to obsessively check my phone for texts now. Stop looking at me like that.

Things I've learned recently

1) When deliriously happy, I don't post.

2) I'm deliriously happy right now. Insanely so.

Cautiously optimistic

That's what you should label me.

Recently, someone came into my life in a big way, and with the force of a mack truck. After much discussion, we decided to meet up this past weekend. I was worried it was going to be awkward, or the chemistry we'd had wouldn't hold up in person. I shouldn't have been. I just had one of the best weekends of my life.

Now, there are some potential obstacles, and they are in no way small ones, but there is interest on both sides to keep this going. I have no idea if it will work, or what will happen if my school crush shows interest (he asked me to study with him on the weekend. What does that mean?) but for the first time in a long time, things are looking up for Mabel in the opposite sex department. Maybe.

Products I love?

A few days ago, I ventured into the local drugstore to purchase some toiletries, including new razor blades. When I went to the aisle, I was reminded why I hate buying hair removal products - they cost so damn much! I hemmed and hawed, and was about to walk away, leaving myself in my hirsute state, when I saw something that was in my budget. They were selling a starter kit of the Venus Breeze, you know the one with strips that replace shaving cream? - for under 8 bucks. I figured I'd give it a shot, as it was way cheaper that buying new blades for my razor. Yeah, I'm frugal like that. I tried it out, and loved it. As has been documented previously, I have the grace of a drunken elephant, and frequently, when trying to slather my legs in shaving cream, I end up dumping a bunch of it on the floor of the tub. I was skeptical about not needing shaving cream, figuring this was a marketing ploy (and I'd know about marketing ploys!) but I didn't need any additional cream, and it was super easy to use, even for me. And the results were impressive. Super close shave, and no nicks. My only concern is that the strips will wear down too soon, and I'll end up spending a lot more money on blades than I did before. Otherwise, I have a new product to love.